how to stop being a people pleaser


Are you a people pleaser?  It’s a common symptom of being an In Demand Woman.  You want to do it all.  You think you SHOULD do it all.  You think you CAN do it all.  And saying NO is one of the hardest words for you to say.


Sound familiar?


Being a people pleaser doesn’t serve your needs and is a form of self-sabotage.  We want you to live your best life and feel empowered to start each day focused on YOU!


Are you ready to stop being a people pleaser?  If so, follow our simple guidelines and you will feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders and a new version of you start to appear.


Start with pleasing yourself

how you dress reflects how you please yourself

What do you want?  We mean, what do you REALLY want?  Not what you think Susie wants from you or the PTA president or even your husband.


Do you take time to think about what you want and what pleases you?


It’s so important to start with your own needs.  Then you can take others’ perspective into consideration!  Ultimately, it is your opinion that matters most.


We find this to be particularly true as a reflection of how you dress.  Think about it.  When was the last time you went shopping?  During that retail experience, did you try on clothes that made you feel happy, sassy and confident?  Or did you opt for ones that were “appropriate”, “comfortable”, “meant for your age”?


How we dress is an easy place to start when it comes to pleasing ourselves!  Start by going through your closet and drawers (as soon as you finish this article!) and pick out the items that truly spark joy.  When you touch these pieces, they should make you feel happy.  When you put them on, you should feel yourself.


Pleasing yourself is not difficult, but when you are recovering from a lifetime of being a people pleaser, you have to start small.


Now let’s talk about those clothes that don’t spark joy.  Have you read Spark Joy by Marie Kondo?  If not, you can get it here“If you’re too afraid to look into the scary attic in your mind, look into the scary attic in your home.”


As Marie would say, for everything that doesn’t spark joy, tell it “thank you” and remove it from your life.  We think that’s great advice!


Pleasing yourself is not difficult, but when you are recovering from a lifetime of being a people pleaser, you have to start small.  By starting with choosing what you wear that truly pleases yourself, you will build momentum and start to feel confident on your self-worth journey.


Live in an abundance mindset

when you live in abundance you believe everything you need already exists

One of the best ways to stop focusing on always pleasing others is practicing the abundance mindset.


“Those that choose to walk along the path of abundance experience a completely different life.” [1]


Practicing an abundance mindset means that you know that everything you desire already exists.  Everything you want in life is yours for the taking.  You know that when you put your mind to something it is available to you and there is no lacking of resources.


When you are a people pleaser, you are living in a scarcity mindset or victim mentality.


“If I say no to Sharon, she won’t ask me to join her again.” 

“If I tell my family I can’t meet them for dinner they will be disappointed.”

“I have to do this project for my co-worker because I’m the only one who can get it right.”


To clarify, there are times when we have to suck it up and do things we don’t want to do.  That is life!


However, when you shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance, you know that you can put your needs first and still be compassionate to others.  For instance, if your co-worker asks you for help with a project that you don’t have time for, then you can offer to brainstorm another co-worker that can step in.


When you live in abundance, you know the answers are available.


When you live in abundance, you know the answers are available.  Sometimes you just need to be more resourceful, put yourself out there more and be proactive in pursuit of your ultimate desires.



Joy of Missing Out means you are not worried about pleasing other people

Do you know these terms?


JOMO: Joy Of Missing Out

FOMO: Fear of Missing Out


Which one do you think comes up most often for a people pleaser?  If you guessed FOMO you are right!


People pleasers worry that if they don’t please those in their lives, they will be left out of social events, important gatherings or even mentions on social media.  Think about it, if you are constantly experiencing FOMO, won’t you be doing everything in your power to decrease that feeling?


Therefore, you will bend over backwards to please others so they will continue to include you in the aforementioned engagements.


We want to challenge this mindset and ask you… does it matter?  Is it worth it?  Does being left out of a social media post or party invitation mean that you are not worthy?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!


What if you were to shift your mindset from FOMO to JOMO.  Let’s explore what that looks like.  When you are content with yourself and putting your own needs first, you might actually find Joy Of Missing Out.


A great example of this is camping.  Let’s assume you HATE CAMPING.  With a passion.  You don’t like sleeping outdoors.  You don’t like showering in public showers.  You hate bugs.  Camping is NOT your thing.


Then you find out about a group camping event which several friends are attending.  You are so concerned with FOMO that you sign up to go on the trip.  As the date gets closer, the anxiety kicks in.  You are dreading the trip.  But now you are concerned what others will think of you.  What if you mess up the plans?  You don’t want these people to dislike you.  You definitely can’t cancel.


What someone else thinks of you is none of your business!


WRONG!  Let’s break the pattern of being a people pleaser first and foremost, and remember that what someone else thinks of you is none of your business!  That’s a pretty awesome thought isn’t it?


If those people don’t like you because you don’t attend a camping trip that you don’t want to go on anyway, then those people aren’t for you.  Not everyone is going to love you.  Wow that is hard to admit on your journey of breaking from being a people pleaser.




And Girlfriend, that is OK!


From now on, we want you to focus more on you, less on pleasing others and practice the mindset of JOMO when you are truly following your heart.  Those that are for you will love you no matter what and those people are the ones you need to focus on!


Everyday practices to stop being a people pleaser

practice gratitude and affirmations to make sure you are taking care of yourself

While we have talked about some mindset shifts to change your people pleaser behaviors, let’s consider some daily practices you can follow to further break this habit:


Affirmations Practicing affirmations will solidify your sense of self-worth.  When you are more self-aware and confident in yourself, you will be less concerned with pleasing others first.  Affirmations can be written down in your journal, written on your mirror, or even expressed as passwords for your devices.  I am enough.  I am worthy.  I am loved.  Yes you are!

Gratitude: Being grateful is one of the best mindset hacks for any negative behavior or thoughts.  The best part, it is so simple to start doing it right now.  Each morning when you wake up think of 5-10 things you are grateful for.  They can be big or small!  Say them out loud, write them down, close your eyes and meditate on them.  Whatever strategy is most impactful for you is the best way to do it.  There is unlimited research explaining the power of practicing gratitude.  While you could spend time on Google reading all the studies, just know that gratitude creates happiness.  It’s nearly impossible to feel sad, angry, negative, etc. when you are thinking of those things that make your truly satisfied in life.

Be Present: When you focus on the present moment and get centered, you will pay attention to what’s important to you in your life.  Exercise is a great way to be present and focus on yourself.  Meditation and breath work are other means to live in the current moment.  As you stay present in your life, think about what makes you feel happy, peaceful and confident.  Concentrate on those feelings and remember them when your brain strays back to your old ways of people pleasing.

Write it down:  Changing your behavior is not an easy feat.  We know that it will take practice and there will be bumps on the road.  You have spent a lifetime pleasing others and undoing that behavior will take some work.  Write down your feelings along the way.  Write down times when you realize you are making choices as a people pleaser.  Additionally, write down those times when you recognize you are putting your needs first.  Review these notes frequently so you can begin to make changes where necessary.


Eventually, you will have more notes about putting yourself first versus those of being a people pleaser.



be your own hero and stop worrying about pleasing other people

In summary, being a people pleaser is something you can untangle yourself from.  Whether you are 21 or 81 it is never too late to stop being a people pleaser and start prioritizing yourself!


As a reminder, the ways to break from people pleaser syndrome are:


We want you to show up every day as the awesome In Demand Woman you are.  We know you are compassionate and caring to those you love most, and we also want you to know that YOU are worthy of that same love and self-compassion to live your best life!


Please let us know your thoughts in the comments below on how you will make changes today to break from being a people pleaser.


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